Three things I learnt in my 3 single years

In my post about what I learnt from a 4 year break up I mentioned that I also learnt ‘lots of other things, about myself, the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I want to be with.’ This is true and here’s a breakdown of that journey.

Single Year 1: Learning about myself

In my first year of being single, amidst the initial trauma of a break up, the first thing I learnt is that I knew my own mind enough to have made the right decision. While I was stuck with some feelings of guilt, the focus shifted to what I really wanted in life. Where did I want to live? What kind of career did I want? I realized I could be anyone I wanted to be and anywhere in the world. I only had myself to consult. This was liberating but also overwhelming. Should I quit my job and work on yachts in the South of France? Or should I get a job in a cinema on a ski slope and learn to ski? I seriously investigated any kind of life that was nothing like my current.

I concluded that I didn’t want to live in London anymore. I was stagnating there and I wanted an adventure. And that’s how I got plotting to move to New York. I had a goal with a unique focus and it made me feel like my own person again.

What I also noticed about that year, on reflection, was that I sought male attention. I wasn’t used to being alone and made a string of bad dating decisions. I dated more than one person at a time, I hooked up with a friend, I had my first one night stand. All a disaster. I slowly realized that I was affected by the behavior of these men I supposedly didn’t care about. The common advice for singles is ‘make the most of it’ but I would be more selective if I had to do it over again.

Single Year 2: Learning about the kind of person I wanted to be

Freshly arrived in New York for my adventurous new life, I adopted the ‘yes man’ approach. I said yes to everything. I didn’t necessarily stay friends with all those people I met in the early days but sometimes I met other people through them. I also did a lot of solo travel to locations I’d always wanted to go to, like Mexico and girls trips to party places like Ibiza. I even went on a mom daughter cruise around the Caribbean and discovered that my mom was a very cool person and travel buddy.

Girl Time in Ibiza

                                                               Girl Time in Ibiza

Party Boat with Mom

                                                             Party Boat with Mom

While on this busy exploratory streak, I also learnt that I had some work to do on myself. There were things I was fearful of, things I was angry about and things I didn’t know what to feel about. I decided to self examine more. The easiest way to do this (if you live in the US and have health insurance) is to go to a therapist. I don’t say the best way, just the easiest. If you can’t afford a therapist, I would suggest setting a timer at home and talking to yourself as if there is a therapist listening on a chair opposite you. One hour of uninterrupted time with yourself will tell you everything you need to know.

With a little bit of probing I learnt that I could let go of certain emotions and stop fearing certain others. I felt much calmer about life in general, less like I was racing against a clock or competing against a sea of un-named faces. I spent more than a year away from my family that year, fighting against the balance of what was expected of me and what I wanted to give. By the end of that year, there was still lots to learn but I felt like I knew what I was striving for. I’d made enough mistakes to see what needed more work but I stopped self-flagellating.

Single Year 3: Learning about the kind of person I wanted to be with

In my third year, I decided to reset. I was looking for discipline and rigour. I was tired of saying yes to everything, tired of eating out and staying out late. I moved into an apartment by myself, stopped drinking for a month and signed up for a cycling training program with New York Cycling Club, doing long distance rides in a group every Saturday for 10 weeks. I felt fit and strong and focused. I stopped dating (for a bit) and I don’t recall but I apparently told a friend at the time that I wanted to be in a real relationship. So I know that I knew what I wanted.

I spent the Summer with friends going to the beach, sailing, cooking at home. I didn’t realize that in amongst this group of friends was the person I would end up being with. We would talk about everything, including what we were looking for in a person. I recall citing a list of ’10 things I was looking for in a man’ to him on a car journey home.  Things like ‘quietly confident, ambitious, must think he’s won the lottery, good face’. I remember it fleetingly crossing my mind that the American fit the description of most things on my list other than thinking he’d won the lottery (he showed no interest at the time). I think it was this exercise of actively naming what I wanted and recognizing that there was someone in front of me who represented the majority of the criteria that prompted me to explore the option when it became available.

7-10 of The 10 things I look for in a man: Feed me, take me to the beach, take me on a boat (please):



Don’t get me wrong, three single years is a long time to learn all these lessons and if I were to find myself single again, I hope I wouldn’t have to re-learn all of them. I was also 3 years away from 30, trying to make a life in a new country, hating my job and at one point adjusting to the idea of having a very sick father. But we all have things going on all the time and break-ups and being single probably won’t come at a good time. Whatever your circumstances, I guarantee it will be a great time to learn about yourself.


Love at Last Chance

As much as I love London I will not be an apologist for wanting to leave. People have tried to pull the whole ‘tired of London tired of life’ speech on me but I really doubt that when Samuel Johnson uttered these words he had any trouble getting a decent drink in this town in the early hours of the morn. Things have a changed a bit since the 18th century and so I find myself shamelessly fleeing to the city that never sleeps, where I do not expect to go thirsty at 2am.

Big moves are always daunting but thankfully there have been a number of recent signs that the world is aligning in support of my adventure. A few Saturdays ago, for example, I was at a funk party at Paradise by way of Kensal Green when the DJ affirmed my path with two back-to-back renditions of New York, New York. Wow, I previously hadn’t fully appreciated the prophetic nature of this track. Ol Blue Eyes clearly wrote  ‘If I can make it there I’ll make it anywhere’ just for me.  Ok, judging by the way the rest of Paradise was getting down I was not the only one who felt like he was speaking to them, but then how many of them can flash a fresh 5 year U.S. visa in their passports?

The next firm sign that my move has full planetary support is that I managed to strike up a romance days before skipping town. People had issued advance warnings about ‘falling head over heels’ or ‘meeting the man of your dreams’ at the very last minute and admittedly I do have a bit of a habit when it comes to pre country-change flings.  But these usually occur two weeks before scheduled departure so with four days to go I really thought I was in the safe zone but apparently this is not so until you’ve passed customs. The last chance fling will emerge when least expected.  It will present itself in the innocent guise of friendship, food and wine but can quickly transform into a frenzy of teenage-like romance, giddy declarations of the fleeting nature of time and seriously late nights.  If you do find yourself in this situation (and believe me if you are moving you will) I offer you the following guidelines:


  • Jump at the opportunity – nothing says farewell better than a smokin’ hot man
  • Bask, revel, immerse yourself – it will not happen again any time soon
  • Neglect your friends a bit – they’ll understand


  • Neglect your friends completely
  • Forget to pack
  • Miss your flight
  • Fall in love

And critically, do not, under any circumstances, suggest that they can visit you.  That has a high probability of resulting in a long distance relationship and we all know how much fun those are.

If you can follow these simple guidelines I very much recommend the love at last chance experience. It’s an intoxicating time bubble in which none of the usual mundane dating considerations apply.  As long as you recognise that the nature of it is totally circumstantial you can’t go wrong.

So in keeping with my own rules, I’m off to South Africa for the month where developing-world telecoms will make it easy for me to go underground and ensure that I emerge very single in New York in the New Year.